wittypedia - the witty encyclopedia

The Witt has been born

2009-12-03T01:48:00.000-08:00

The Witt has been born from the ashes of the humerus bone of the wittypedia funny encyclopedia. (which still exists.)

Featuring info about comedians.

A collection of funny things from the Internet.

..and the new craze to sweep the kitchen, Murraying.

invisible transporter

2009-08-09T07:31:00.001-07:00

army invent invisible troop carrying train.

dogs

2009-01-22T01:23:00.002-08:00

Dogs love cats. Its the mice doing all the shit stirring. Dogs were brought into human life when they were separated from wolves, who were a bad influence.

Sizes range from just a few inches to roughly this big, with most averaging at 4 feet, and a tail.

Dogs lick humans and sniff bottoms, (highly social animals) and fit into human households (sometimes through a specially made dog chute or underground tunnel network) and other social situations, not chess. This similarity has earned dogs a unique position in the realm of interspecies relationships. They have been so well integrated they get to sleep in the kitchen on the floor, get blamed for farts and have to do all the hoovering. Dogs have lived with and worked with humans in so many roles that their loyalty has earned them the unique sobriquet "man's most gullible friend" Conversely, some cultures consider dogs to be unclean. In some cultures, certain types of dogs are used as food which is good and less wasteful than our way.

Among dog lovers, dogs are generally valued for their intelligence, anecdotal storytelling skills and their role in scientific research suggesting that dogs can be scientists, witty story tellers, like cigarettes and don't like shampoo in their eyes. This intelligence is expressed differently with different breeds and individuals, however. For example, Border Collies are noted for their ability to breakdance and Retrievers for mix tapes, while other breeds may not be so motivated towards being cool, but instead show their cleverness in devising ways to steal food or escape from tight situations in high level management meetings.

Dogs are descended from wolverine, and are also pack animals, making them easier than other animals to arrest under the Criminal Justice Act. But most dogs rarely have to deal with complex tasks and are unlikely to learn relatively complicated activities (such as programing the video) unaided. Some dogs (such as guide dogs for the visually impaired) are specially trained to recognize and avoid dangerous situations and ginger people.

Smell.

Dogs have a taste for shit, and can smell.

Reproduction.

Dogs have no qualms with sex, proof being their presence here now and non appearance in extinction lists like the dumb dinosaur.

cats

2009-01-22T01:23:00.001-08:00

The cat (or domestic cat, house cat) is a small carnivorous mammal and a subspecies of the wild cat... down the road who had a litter with the loose cat next door. The cat is a skilled predator and intelligent Go strategist, known to hunt over 1,000 species for food, but only like one flavour of "Whiskers". A cat is capable of being trained to interface with bionic body parts (or learning by itself) and to obey simple commands, like "fuck off cat" and manipulate simple mechanisms, such as some humans who like cats. It has lived in close association with humans for 3,500 to 9,500 years, making it and those humans very old indeed, figuring prominently in the mythology and legends of several cultures.

Legend

Legends and myths about the cat exist in many cultures,
eg.Teacher "Wheres your homework Bob?"
Bob "The cat hasn't finished it yet".
from the ancient Egyptians and Chinese to the Vikings, they've all tried the cat excuse.

Physical features

Cats also possess rather loose skin; this enables them to do awesome impressions of modern game show hosts and gives them a nice edge when it comes to shoplifting.

Falling

Throw a cat from a window and and it will generally fall on its feet. Throw it really hard or tie a weight to its back and you will find that you can kill it eventually.

Sight

Generally our interactions with cats are via our sight sense.
Brain registers cat, reflex impulses turn our body away from the cat and make us say, "mn, cat".
If brain registers cat too late, reflex impulse may be to kick or jump into the arms of an attractive sailor (non gender specific).

Hearing

You can hear cats, though they are incredibly stealthy. Some people tie a bell to their cat so they and birds can hear it coming. It may be better to tie its legs to 4 switches each with their own noise and link it to a public announcement system. The cat can then entertain and warn of its whereabouts.

Touch

No, don't touch. The cat itself has no sense of touch. it only knows it has touched something after the thing begins to bleed and say "damn that cat and its claws, why does it have to pull at my new anorak and leave little loops of thread that look like this is a cheap anorak and not a...?"

Smell

Cats sense of smell is rivaled only by the dead as it is so poor; you could confuse a cat by dressing a skunk up as a cat and sending it to woo the cat (if you were Walt Disney).

Taste

Apparently just like chicken. Which means that chicken, amongst other things, tastes of cat.

Hunting

Good fun, best to offer the cat some kind of handicap and allow yourself the use of a sight. Laser sight is probably slightly unfair, though cats can see in the day as well as dark, so you'd be forgiven.

Scratching

Cats, even with the best equipment, have no DJ skills.

Domestication

The only cat you should attempt to keep in your home is Cat Deeley.

Environmental issues

Cats care little for the environment. Ask them about American Football and you'll get a good conversation out of them.

Body Types

Cats generally go for the fat and lazy types but will also associate with the elderly with no obvious prejudiced towards a particular physique.

USA

2009-01-20T15:33:00.000-08:00

Slogan

Has the slogan "God bless America". No other country has ever had or needed a slogan, which probably tells you something about the country in question.
This excludes Iceland which once briefly had the slogan "Iceland - as green as Greenland is icey". But this was abandoned due to countries having slogans being silly.

History

The United States of whatever were formed sometime in prehistory (which for Americans is anytime before the 1940's) when the British realised they'd sent all the right-wing religious people as far away as possible for a reason and high-tailed it back home.

Like, Whatever

America has produced some amazing things such as rock and/or roll music and pastrami sandwiches but, in an amazing display of every action having an equal and opposite reaction, they have also given the world Paris Hilton and amazing new benchmarks for the term 'morbid obesity'.

Phrases you might overhear include;

"That's George Washington, the first president, of course. The interesting thing about him is that I read three -- three or four books about him last year. Isn't that interesting?" - George W. Bush... The Ex President (who was in charge of the whole country)

"Y'all come back now" - Any southerner who's had you trapped in the woods for a few days.

"It's like, you know, like, so utterly, like, y'know" - god knows what they're on about.

Balding Birds
The emblem for america is the bald eagle which is fitting because;

* It's bald - like some Americans
* It has feathers - like the pillows used by some Americans
* It has eyes - like most Americans
* It's an eagle - and some Americans are illegal (ill-eagle) immigrants

The list goes on, and the quality of the comparisons actually gets worse, so I'll stop there.

Wisemen

2009-01-20T15:25:00.000-08:00

Wise men are not as clever as the name implies.
This is due to the fact that there were 2 wise-men at the time of jesus' birth but when they heard there would be 3 shepherds at the party they hurriedly upgraded one of the 3 knowledgeable-men to Wiseman status. This caused a chain reaction of similar upgrades right down to simpleton, where a rather perplexed bush was given a dunces cap and told to go sit in the corner with the other two.
This upgrading has had a knock-on effect throughout history which can be witnessed by the rise to power of some of the worlds leaders... including those named after plant life. see George Bush

horse

2009-01-20T15:24:00.001-08:00

"HORSE" - what it is everybody can see

weasel

2009-01-20T15:23:00.000-08:00

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel.

vegetarians

2009-01-20T15:20:00.000-08:00

People who deny the virtues of meat are known as vegetarians. They exist in a semi-hypnotic state of self delusion which can only be broken by frying bacon near them.

The average vegetarian does live longer than its meat eating counterpart but most of these years are spent craving meat and so cannot be deemed 'quality time'.

Famous vegetarians include;

Anyone who looks emaciated and on the verge of collapse and Whales.

thought

2009-01-20T15:19:00.000-08:00

Thought or thinking is a mental process, like totally mental man, wiiikid. It allows us to react to the world generally completely inappropriately and stress about stuff and get things wrong almost as consistently as blue is blue. So to deal with the world effectively according to our goals, plans, ends and desires we should not think, play golf or listen to Celine Dion. Words referring to anything are just concepts and the link between one persons definition and another is nothing more than coincidence. You only converse to bring someone round to your way of thinking and they are only your friend if it works.

Thinking involves inventing methods of manipulation to use on both information and people. As when we form concepts, engage in problem solving, reason and make decisions we are being very selfish. Any idea that thinking is a higher cognitive function is egotistical and completely normal.
Thought was invented by accident, the brain, a simple sense organ has the job of monitoring all other sense organs right down the spine and to the extremities, even extending outside of the body to the world of concept mentioned before, is just a tool who on doing this job, suddenly one day (perhaps a Tuesday) became self aware. Ever since then its been bashing on about how it knows best. It doesn't - so go and get drunk, you and it will never have been happier.

The man

2009-01-20T15:18:00.000-08:00

Everybody has at some point had a the man although sometimes it can be a woman and other times simply an esoteric hierarchical concept - so it can get rather confusing. Occasionally some people find themselves being the man but these people are unlikely to read this so are of little importance.

People are often encouraged to 'stick it to the man' but this is just a further layer of social control with the only response being to do what the man says thereby placing yourself in a 'catch 22' situation or 'Möbius loop'.

The only people known to have avoided this trap are the work-shy individuals who exist outside of society and are often seen drinking tea in their underpants whilst watching daytime TV. Pilloried by society (which is naturally controlled by the man) they are often highly intelligent and should, by rights, be revered as gods.

The ark

2009-01-20T15:16:00.000-08:00

Imagine, if you will, a boat big enough to house two of every animal in the world. Now imagine taking out all the animals that can swim or float and re-imagine how big the boat would have to be without them. Next, imagine how big the oars would have to be and a poop-deck able to accommodate everything from mice to elephants. Congratulations, you've just designed an ark! Now build it!

This is the note that was delivered to Noah who, having never even put up a shelf before then, was a bit overwhelmed. After selling the note on ebay ('genuine - signed by god') he set to work and although he felt the sun-deck and pool area lacked refinement he was generally pleased with his efforts.

After 40 days and nights of flooding the water started to recede and Noah was finally able to get rid of the animals, apart from the woodworm who were quite happy where they were. He spent the remainder of his life offering cut-price 18-30's cruises around the Mediterranean before the boat finally disintegrated off the coast of Ibiza. Accident investigators suspected woodworm but nothing was ever proven.

the future

2009-01-20T15:15:00.000-08:00

Looking forward to anything?

That's the future. It is perfect in every way, it is modern, new and all is well.

By looking backwards in time, you can preoccupy the mind and so move into the future without really making much effort. This also works for getting from the moment into the future but the resultant moment thereof quickly nullifies the future to the present moment again.

Ask anyone older than you and they will harp on about the past. Well that was once the future and that's why it seemed so good at the time.

The future will undoubtedly have robots, flying cars and light sabres. You will be older by then and you may be thinking back to the time you learnt all about the future.

The Beatles

2009-01-20T15:14:00.000-08:00

A covers band so ahead of their time that they managed to cover the complete Oasis catalogue before, and better, than the originals. They cunningly altered the words and song structure to that which would seem to be created by people of great talent and vision, thus hiding the true plagiarism going on each day.

The Beatles were know to begin the day by snorting gravel, donning oversized parker coats and sneering their way through Wonderwall whilst attempting to get a feel for what it would be like to be their heroes (to be).

The Beatles were:
Jack Lemmon - International Affairs. Paul McDonalds - Relationship guidance. George HarleyDavidson - Spiritual leader and how to live a clean and long life activist. Ringo - Brought along mainly to keep everyones travel photos in order, he also read nice stories about trains to the Beatles kids.

tea

2009-01-20T15:13:00.000-08:00

A mildly hallucinogenic drink which gives the drinker superhuman powers of thought and body and also the urge to urinate on a regular basis.

Tea was invented in India when someone accidentally dropped some dried-up tea leaves into a boiling hot pan of water and left them there for a few minutes, adding milk and then tasting it to see what it was like.
It soon gained popularity when it was exported to England, as afternoons with the vicar were getting too raucous - the only alternative to tea at that time being hard liquor.

It is now drunk in every country in the world and comes in many different varieties which are all horrible, apart from the original black tea.

It has been noted by extensive research in the Wittypedia office that Tea only tastes good when it is served in a mug. Mugs of tea are the essential power source of every profession from builder to bodger to office jerk and social work. Mugs should be acceptably dirty to the owner and dirty enough to keep mug thief's away. Mugging is the worst crime known to mankind.

Taking tea intravenously is a common solution to many workers in today's high paced world, but even those people should secure a good mug of tea every half hour or so to keep their levels up to the standard our grandparents have set us.

TV

2009-01-20T15:11:00.000-08:00

Imagine a small square man who sits in the corner of the room entertaining you. That is not a TV... but may well be the entertainment media of The Future. (if you are on the cutting edge of entertainment and really must have the latest widescreen set then substitute the square man for one with much broader shoulders).

Invented by, and named after, Terry Venables it was initially designed for hair dressing salons as a way for people to see how the back of their haircut looked. However, they soon saw the mass market potential of the device and eventually managed to get one into every home, swapping them for the mirrors in the corner of the living rooms that were used for entertainment in the olden days. It took five years before some bright spark at the BBC (Barbershop Broadcasting corporation) realised that if they gave all the left over mirrors to the hair dressers it freed up the airways and they could show something other than the back of peoples heads on TV. In a quirk of fate and also due to the popularity of reality shows there has been a call to bring back the 'back of heads' channel as a more interesting alternative to Big Brother.

sleep

2009-01-20T15:08:00.000-08:00

Sleep from the Latin Bliss & Being is the whole point of life.

Your waking hours are simply for refueling your system and finding a suitable place to sleep before re-entering the serene state of blissful being that is known to us all.

How big is it?

To signal the importants of sleep nature has given us pointers;

* We like Animals and they sleep
* We get tired
* We don't like waking up

What is it made of?

Sleeping offers a number of important benefits to the sleeper;

* More than 9 hours sleep actually reduces your lifespan by up to 30%, giving you much more time dead - you were blissfully unaware previous to your birth so will be so after your death.
* Dreams are much better than so called reality.
* You can sleep lying down on a bed, which is more comfy than sitting there where you are now.
* You can spend less time on sport, talking, walking, working, or watching TV; all of which are better when dreamed about.

Can I do it?

What?

sky

2009-01-20T15:07:00.000-08:00

You've been fooled!

There is no sky, well there is but - it is an illusion, a concept of the mind, a place where our brain inserts something which is not there because if it didn't we'd pop.

So yeah there's a load of atmosphere, not as much as in a Wham! concert (back in the day like) but still some atmosphere aright. Then at some point there is sufficient density/light-scattering/distortion that to avoid confusion and headaches the brain goes "right, bugger it, I'm sticking something in there and im gonna call it sky".

To demonstrate the power of illusion we have projected flying planes into the sky, a ridiculous prospect in reality as planes are not only heavy metal objects but are also the wrong way around.

skateboards

2009-01-20T15:06:00.000-08:00

If you've ever ridden a bike then you'll know that they fall over. A bike is simply half a skateboard and is for the poor.

Skateboards are cool and you only need carry one under your arm before chicks start melting around you.

If you thought walking a puppy in the park got the interest of the ladies - you'll be blown away by the oestrogen inducing skateboard.

Tricks

All skateboarders know the name of at least one trick; and that is one more than most of them can do.

* 90degree sideways tumble with elbow grind
* forward somersault with neck pike and chin grind
* one footed 'woaa that was close'
* two footed 'i'm shitting myself Bob, slow it dooooooooooown'
* full facial wall plant with blood

and everyone's favourite

* bum plant with spinal jar

shoes

2009-01-20T15:05:00.000-08:00

Horses have shoes but cows do not. This fact alone sparked more barnyard controversy than the whole dog collar debate and sheep bathing debacle put together. It was also the primary factor in man's adoption of said apparel.

It wasn't long before it became clear that nailing bits of iron to the soles of the feet was impractical at best and somewhat of a hygiene nightmare, so it was only 50 years or so before, in a final snub to the still shoe-less cows, leather was finally used to create ornate foot housings - which remain popular to this day.

It is worthy of note that in an effort to appease the cows a highly creative line of cow footwear was introduced in the spring of 1975. This was roundly snubbed by the general bovine population who refused to wear leather on religious grounds.

Today, shoes come in all shapes and sizes - though mostly foot shaped and foot sized - and are generally a good indicator of profession. For example;

* High heels (woman) - prostitute
* High heels (man) - drag queen
* Basketball shoes - gang member
* Clarks shoes - English school kid from the 1980's
* Army boots - lesbian
* Platform boots - Tom Cruise

sheep

2009-01-20T15:02:00.000-08:00

Sheep are winter coats that rabbits invented during a creative blip in their evolution from small bouncing animal to smallish bouncing animal with a white tail, floppy ears and a girlie reaction to the cold.

Sheep are worn mainly in the winter though some fashion conscious rabbits wear their sheep all year round.

Sheep are never seen bouncing or eating carrots, as you'd expect from a rabbit, because the rabbit is inside hopping and has all its carrots stored inside too. They were really thinking about comfort when they invented sheep, hence all the space inside. The icing on the cake being the inside of the sheep is lined with cake icing.

The term "you are looking a bit sheepish", came from the rebel rabbits who were attempting to upset the more fashion conscious.

muffin

2009-01-20T15:01:00.000-08:00

Muffins are very popular snacks enjoyed the world over.
It was not so long ago that the muffin was far less desirable, and the reason for that still lives on today. People with a hairy pet, a moustache or long hair will know how food is ruined by the taste or texture of hair.

Still the problem persists in many nations and cultures but the majority of social networks have found that a hairless muffin tastes much better. Shaven Muffins are not just for flavour but visual appearance also, allowing the masticatior to get a clear view of the muffin they wish to engage their mouth with.

Photo evidence alone dictates the popularity of shaven muffins over the hirsute.

movies

2009-01-20T14:59:00.000-08:00

Moovies are films about cows.
Movies are not.
To this day whenever you see a cow in a film you can be sure it's not the main character. In fact, in most cases it's not even a cow at all, with the cow roles mostly going to cleverly disguised small horses or teams of highly trained marmots (two in the front, two in the back and one controlling the head).

The dispute between the two factions (cows and non-cows) has become so great that not only do cows boycott all cinema screenings, they also now refuse to even do long shots with picket-line breaking bovines being cast out of the herd for life upon discovery.

For example; The film 'City Slickers contained no real cows. The main cow, Norman (who was obviously meant as comedy relief and not a main character) was, as would be expected, played by Eddie Murphy in preparation for his role in Shrek (he later found out that the movie was to be all CG and the costume work in slickers was for nought!). Most people are still surprised to learn that all the long shots had to be reshot when the cows staged a sit-down protest - requiring hundreds of hamsters in intricately designed cow suits (and some amazing forced perspective camera work) to complete the film.

monkeys

2009-01-20T14:57:00.000-08:00

Hey, hey, were the monks
And people say we monkin around.
But were too busy swinging
To put anybody down.

When monkeys invented god they found a fair few issues on their thumbless hands.

The monkeys did not foresee that the precise definition of God would be almost unique to every thinker and that someone would eventually build nuclear weapons and crucifixes to prove their definition was most peaceful.

Monks

So some got together one night and after watching Starwars episode 2or5orwhatever decided to get a cloak "like that yoda dude".

The monkeys sat with their thoughts and invented more and more precise ways of seeing god, methods of realisation and so on but in fact were just broadening the divide between themselves and the average monkey dangling from a tree.

So one monkey left for the forest, he sat for hours - chilling - doing no work and just living at peace, and he soon came to realise;

* There is suffering
* There is a cause of this suffering
* There is freedom from suffering
o Right Bananas
o Right intention for Bananas
o Right speech about Bananas
o Right action with Bananas
o Right livelihood involving Bananas
o Right effort in Banana related matters
o Right mindfulness of Bananas
o Right concentration on Bananas
* Free Bananas
* No God

meditation

2009-01-20T14:55:00.000-08:00

This article has been considered for merging with sleeping, relaxation, chilling out and bloody hippies.

Meditation. The practice of doing nothing; invented and carried out by the work-shy as a damn good excuse for doing less than nothing and appearing to be in the act of betterment.

Any side effects such as Awakening, Enlightenment or newly found compassion for all life, vegetarianism or Buddahood are purely coincidental and should not be seen as reason to take up this entirely sloth-like practice.

light

2009-01-20T14:54:00.000-08:00

Light was invented by the big bang several fractions of a second AG (After God). In the years BG everyone had to sit in the dark listening to the Brothers Gibb's catchy disco hits.

Light can be dim or bright but always travels at a constant speed - much like New York taxi drivers. It can be used to illuminate many different things, such as, rooms, fridges and planets but cannot be used as shelving or a heavy goods vehicle.

It was once thought impossible to travel at the speed of light, but scientists are currently developing a method of slowing it down to about 35 miles per hour by attaching thousands of tiny little anchors. Once this happens humans will be able to travel 3 or 4 times the speed of light thus making time travel a very real possibility.

lens

2009-01-20T14:52:00.000-08:00

From the Latin Lens meaning Belonging to Len, they are primarily used for looking through, although rarely at anything interesting like other dimensions or dinosaurs.

Glasses use lenses, with the size of the lens allowing the user to appear to have much bigger or smaller eyes than in reality. This is primarily used to scare away predators but is also used in extreme cases of people with abnormal sized eyes (eg scooter from the muppets).

Lenses are also used in magnifying glasses which, as the name suggests, are mostly used by sadistic little boys for torturing small insects. They have now been banned in several countries, which has led to an increase in the size of small print, which in turn, has made legal documents over 50 times longer.

jam

2009-01-20T14:51:00.000-08:00

Although an amazingly comedic word whose very repetition sparks waves of laughter across any room at a birthday party or formal social function, jam's origins are far darker.

First created by a Bolivian dictator, jam was soon being mass produced by a child labour workforce of over 3 million, just eclipsing most of today's high street clothing stores in it's immorality. Thankfully such practises were stopped in the early 1990's and today jam is one of the most child friendly products, instead being manufactured by illegal immigrants who live in shoe boxes.

Made from the spleens of badgers it gets it's flavouring from the fruit that they force feed to them in such quantities that, should a badger escape, it would need a nice sit down approximately 25 seconds after making a waddling dash for it.

ice

2009-01-20T14:49:00.000-08:00

If you put water in a freezer it goes all solid - that's ice. If you put a cat in a freezer it'll die - so don't do that. Ice has many purposes - such as providing a name and lyrics for the popular beat combo 'vanilla ice', as an item for putting down people's backs to annoy them and as a hideously ineffective lampshade. But the most common use is as a home for penguins This requires huge freezers which are evidently invisible - as no one has ever seen them and yet there's all this ice so it must be true.

Heat melts ice and reverts it to water - so if you are ever attacked by it when unarmed (without a hair-dryer or such) your best form of action would be to rub your hands together vigorously and charge at it, screaming at the top of your lungs. The screaming has no effect and, to be honest, slightly warmed hands will take a very long time to de-solidify the frozen assailant, so a well trained block of ice will still kill you... but it's better than sitting around waiting for the inevitable.

haircut

2009-01-20T14:48:00.000-08:00

This ancient art form, once the exclusive domain of badgers, is now widely practised by humans too. There are many types of haircut available today - ranging from short (for men) to slightly longer (for women) and these can be purchased from a haircut salesman who will doubtless be knocking on your door later today.

These salesmen will cut your hair and then delight in using the latest technology of mirrors to show you the back of your head... an act which should always be greeted with a nod and smile regardless of the carnage seen- for fear of angering them as, once upset, it takes at least 3 old women needing blue rinses in order to placate them.

guitar

2009-01-20T14:47:00.000-08:00

Ever placed a small llama upon your knee and plucked it's hairs out so that it wailed in pain (yet in an harmonious way that was pleasing to your ears)?

If the answer is yes then you have pretty much experienced what it's like to play a guitar (whilst also being quite mean and owning an animal that is not normally kept as a pet - impressive!)

If no then I'm afraid there are no words to explain what a guitar is and your lack of a cruel streak will probably see you being walked over your entire life - for which we are sorry - although you only have yourself to blame.

There have been many famous guitarists over the years... but there have also been many famous non-guitarists so, logically, playing guitar can't possibly have anything to do with their fame.

graffiti

2009-01-20T14:46:00.000-08:00

The world was once such a colourful place, graffiti everywhere, fantastic tags of the wise men and textural renderings of beauty.

Sadly as ever the vandals have moved in, painting grey concrete and brick patterns in an around the original natural form of the graffiti.

Work has been done to restore original masterpieces where possible, but most towns have been ruined by the onslaught of demons wishing to make the world more dull place. They go about painting McDonalds signs, Coca Cola signs, large tower blocks, ugly hospitals and pollution covered high-rises where the public would rather see trees, plants, cows and natural graffiti forms.

Kids as young as 4 up to adults as old as me have been seen with grey concrete tones spraying Three Dimensional relief's of bridges and tower blocks where once there was a pleasant organic neon rendering.

god

2009-01-20T14:45:00.000-08:00

Look up. Go on. Somewhere up there is a big bearded white guy who created everything. He created a whole universe consisting of billions upon billions of stars and then decided our sun was the perfect one to start life near to. He gave himself 7 days to create everything but, like all builders, it actually took him a bit longer - by several billion years or so.

God also created heaven, which is like a huge members club, so that if we've lead a good life we have some place nice to go - as a sort of treat. There currently exists (within Christianity at least) a loophole allowing anyone, regardless of past misdemeanour's, to repent on their death bed and ascend into heaven - meaning you can quite legitimately be a complete git all your life and still get to hang in the VIP lounge once you die.

God has famously kept a back-seat when it comes to the day to day running of his masterpiece, allowing humans to do whatever they darn well pleasey. This was until he saw a lovely girl called Mary and decided it was about time he had a son.
He was a somewhat harsh father who amongst other things had his only child go into a desert for 40 days and nights and eventually crucified. Luckily, child welfare hadn't been invented or he'd no doubt have been administering the universe from an open prison for a couple of years.

This, however, is a Christian version of god but he exists in many different forms throughout the plethora of religions on offer to today's modern consumer. All religions agree that the god they worship is definitely the one true god which, psychologists believe, makes god the first known case of multiple personality disorder.

God is both omnipotent and omnipresent and did at one stage flirt with the idea of being omnidirectional too, although he now leaves this to microphones.
This omnipresence seems somewhat of a waste due to his laid back approach to running the place but does mean he's yet to miss any episodes of days of our lives.

Most wars have been started through 'my god is better than your god' arguments and those that haven't have a strong 'you're god is different so you must die' undercurrent. This is why god sent Jesus down to put a stop to all that... by adding yet another religion to the pile. These Jesusians went on to form religious crusades and also divided into splinter groups who began to fight each other over the correct way to worship him. So, job well done there.

glasses

2009-01-20T14:43:00.000-08:00

Make you appear intellectual to others when you're wearing them or intellectual to yourself when you drink alcohol from them.

Originally made of high grade aluminium, glasses only really became popular when glass was discovered. This is partly due to glass being a better material for a lens but also because the name 'aluminiums' never took off.

Many famous people have worn glasses. These include;

Good guys: Gandhi, Austin Powers, John Lennon
Bad Guys: Heinrich Himler, Kim Jong Il

Which is conclusive proof that glasses are, on average, 60% good and 40% pure evil.

Many people choose not to wear them as the risk of turning evil is too great. Others need to see what's going on so don't have a choice.

Quotes attributed to first time glasses wearers;

"wow! Things have edges!"
"I married that?!?"
"Must kill innocent people. Must kill innocent people."

food

2009-01-20T14:42:00.000-08:00

The great equaliser - consumed by rich and poor, black and white elk, and Mongolian hunting bee - food is normally, roughly; plate sized, light brown and tastes like chicken (although it is currently thought that this may just apply to chicken based meals).

Up until the mid-seventies of some century or other, man only ate vegetables and was very pasty looking and skinny because of it. It was only when an unfortunate ox stood to close to a fire and began to smell really really tasty that man discovered the wonders of cooked meat and subsequently achieved the healthy glow and robust nature so associated with modern mankind.

fish

2009-01-20T14:40:00.000-08:00

Fish are identifiable by their gold colour and addiction to bathing.
Most animals go 'ew' in contact with water. fish are made of water and hate air. You may think you have seen a fish blowing an air bubble. You have. Scientists belive this to be a fish to fish under water attack missile.

Test your suspected Animal to see if it is fish by either;

* Disturbing its bathing.

* Looking to see if it is gold in colour and has no feet.

Diet.
Fish primarily eat very flat crumbs found in small plastic tubs near fish tanks. In the wild fish eat chips. In the really wild, they barely eat and spend most of their time at parties, on drugs, squirting lines of eggs at the boy fish who in return squirt sperm.

Reproduction.
Fish can be easily photocopied or faxed.

Ventilation.
Fish have large exhaust systems on their cheeks. if you place your finger or thumb in a fish's anus and wait for the fish to fart, you can cause the fart gass to come out of the exhaust - the sound thus created is indistinguishable from James Blunt music and therefore should not be tried by anyone.

fire

2009-01-20T14:39:00.000-08:00

The only thing that separates man from the animals - except houses, fences, gates and cages - is fire.

Early man used it simply as an aid to warmth and for shadow puppetry on cave walls. Late man has since adapted fire and found many other uses for it ranging from cooking to pot pouri.

Wildfire grows in the vast scrub-lands that divide and be-spoil our otherwise gloriously industrialised planet and was man's first source of the mesmerizing red and yellow dance that we call flame. It only took two generations before man realised that you could coax it onto the end of a stick and didn't have to chase it down, dive on top of it and cup it in your hands screaming, "Ow, this really, really hurts a lot!" And the early days of transporting it on the hairs on the back of oxen have long been forgotten - but are possibly the origins of the barbecued ribs recipe (see food).

Tamefire is grown in labs and is used by scientists to heat magnesium and blow lids off tins.

* Fire is hot - if you experience cold fire it's likely that it's gone out... that or you've lost all feeling in your hands and should therefor withdraw them from flame proximity before too much charrage occurs.
* Some things burn faster than others. This effect, known as 'difference' is chartable as follows (from slowest burning to quickest);
o Coal, Paper, muppets, a cutting remark, chinese-burn.
* For maximum longevity and cost saving it is therefor best to set your fire by using a chinese-burn to light the coal.

fart

2009-01-20T14:36:00.000-08:00

"Natures sense of humour"

The best way to ensure a daily dose of gas is to consume foods which produce gas when digested and to aid gas production you should gulp large quantities of liquid with and after your food, this will dilute stomach acid and believe, oo, excuse, oooo that was good, believe me - it works.

types of fart

Relying heavily on the bum cheek position (known as ergonomic flatulence function), the volume of gas (gasious smellus voluminous), and the rate of expulsion (Doh Re Me So Fart La Te Doh) - Farts are also graded on smell (on the "knockus outus - stealthus extemus" scale).

Practice makes perfect
Perfect bum cheeking with the ergonomic flatulence function and tone control certainly make for the funniest farts. Diet control of the knockus outus - stealthus extemus mixxed with the gasious smellus voluminous add to humour and tactical farting.

Ripples of bum cheeks to open cheek seeping add to the tone, with volume control being adjusted by control of expulsion pressure.

It is possible with the correct diet, eating style and correct Yogic bum cheek oneness to fart anything from Yesterday by The Beatles to Jesus Built My Hotrod by Ministry.

diets

2009-01-20T14:35:00.000-08:00

A necessary form of social control invented by thin people to try to help fat people make themselves less appealing in the eyes of carnivorous animals and hungry flesh eating aliens. Specialist diets will be listed below;

fad diets FAD or the 'Food And Deodorant' diet - spray your food with deodorant. No matter how nice it looks it'll taste horrible.

tape worm diet The latest celebrity diet - Eat for two and still lose weight! Regardless of how much you eat your friendly resident tape worms feeds off the nutrients until you can hardly stand, let alone have excess fat!

Indian Diet Any trip to India will result in weight loss. You can eat as much as you like, as often as you like, for as long as you like until one of India's little bugs decides that it wants to travel in you. As it takes its journey from under the nail you just chewed, via your guts and finally into the toilet bowl it will kindly bring all fat and food with it.

Beer diet Unknown to many - beer cannot make you fat (the carbs are not the kind your body can turn to fat) It is in fact the pies and burgers, kebabs and so on that do it to you - plus the fact you eat it all just before you sleep thereby making exercise impossible. So, the solution is to consume beer only. This diet does not call for exercise and will make you really funny to be around.

Diet of sex and violence All the rage with the teenagers - this diet is fat free and rapid weight loss is possible in for example the sport of sword fighting.

cows

2009-01-20T14:34:00.001-08:00

"Mooo" goes the cow... or so they say. This phrase, though widely attributed as the mantra of all cowkind, is actually a misquote of the queen cow who, when giving an address to her subjects, actually said "moo" - oh, how the laugh at us!

Cows live in fields... by day, and in intricate underground lairs by night. It is within these tunnels that they gather to plot the downfall of a small gypsy community that once squatted in a field in Belgium leaving behind inedible grass and causing distress to some of their own. Fiercely protective of 'the family' they have been planning the assassassination of the 3 surviving members of the community for years now and are finalising details before operation mooooo can commence.

Cows give of their milk, which is enjoyed by almost everyone and envied by the lactose intolerant. This has lead to baby cows (so called calves) having no source of milk, forcing farmers to employ human wet-nurses to supply the demand - which, in turn, has lead to people going 'ew!'

They are also responsible for cheeses, butter, leather, connect four and late night shopping - all of which remain clouded in mystery.

computer games

2009-01-20T14:32:00.001-08:00

One of the few activities in life where you can... kill, kill a friend, be killed, get a medal, dress up a pony, own a city, bounce on a gorillas head, shoot James Bond, be James Bond, fly a spaceship, be a spaceship, be a monkey, be a woman, hit a woman, drive a Ferrari, crash a Ferrari, crash a PC, ...and stuff.

The best computer game is Tetris.

Some of the second best games are R-Type on the ZX.Spectrum48+ and GoldenEye on the N64. Probably Halo1 on the xBox, Donkey Kong Country and Mario Kart on the SNES and some others. None of these really having a sniff at Tetris.

The main point of any computer game and, the sole intention of those producing them, is to keep you frustrated.

Tetris is good; because it is.

computer games

2009-01-20T14:32:00.000-08:00

computers

2009-01-20T14:30:00.000-08:00

Sir Isaac Newton famously remarked 'If only I had a computer I wouldn't have to dedicate my life to this physics malarkey. I long to gamble through the fields like a young gazelle, my antlers or horns or whatever, blowing in the autumn breeze... ah, but I'd probably float up in the air anyway.'

source: overheard in a bar in 1685 (2 years before he discovered gravity.)
Also of note is that Newton was not a biologist and can therefore be forgiven for not knowing if gazelles have antlers or horns)

Babbage is widely credited with the invention of the computer although his was purely mechanical and no good for googling pictures of Britney Spears. It wasn't until much later on that Turing invented the computer as we would know it today - ie beige with little LEDs on the front.
Many musicians have tried to immortalise this in song, siting that Turing rhymes with so many things, like during and alluring and such, that it can't be all that hard. However, after several songs about how alluring he was during the invention, the project was abandoned and was the major reason behind the breakup of The Beatles.

Nowadays computers have come on considerably and can be used for any number of tasks such as downloading p, looking at downloaded p and downloading p whilst looking at other p.

coffee

2009-01-20T14:29:00.000-08:00

Coffee, the anti-tea! As Gary Bussey is to Jesus, coffee is to tea. If the two are mixed a violent explosion occurs combining the heat of a supernova with the smell you get when you leave the oven on with nothing in it. Whilst you do get tea drinkers that also like the odd snort of coffee it is rarely the other way round. Coffee drinkers tend to look down on tea drinkers because they themselves are shallow and vain (Tea drinkers accept that it takes all types to make a world and bear no man ill will).

acne

2009-01-20T14:28:00.000-08:00

Along with the Coleslaw is one of the finest displays of a human at their peak of sexual prowess.

Nature has many wonderful ways such as the peacocks flamboyant tail and the butterfly but when it came to teenage children it could do no better than a big case of mirror splatting acne to signal the readiness for find in a mate in life.

cheese

2009-01-20T14:26:00.000-08:00

Take a large slab of the 1980's and stir in some modernness like I dunno a crazy frog(s liver), add some BonJella or BonJovi to taste (probably none). Add to a bowl of pre crushed thubsintheair dad dancing and stir well.

Take the mixture to a wedding and ask the DJ to taste it. If he loves it then you have scored a big hit with your first attempt at cheese production so should be very proud. If the DJ says the mix is not to his taste, you could perhaps consider releasing it yourself as your own brand of non-cheese. If you do though, you should expect no commercial payback from your product, as it would be considered 'creative' and therefore too demanding for your modern record buying kid. It will probably emerge as the 'record I first bought', and 'my favourite song of all time' on some cheesy celebrities 'i wanna be seen as cool' interviews.

camera

2009-01-20T14:25:00.000-08:00

A device that is pointed at people to make them feel self concious before recording them for all time looking at (or very close to) their worst. It was invented by a parent who wanted to record her children in any situation she thought they would find vaguely embarrassing in later years especially when they brought girls back to the house.

Nowadays everybody has a camera although some people mistake them for ovens and sit beside them for days waiting for their chips to cook. Digital cameras, which are too small to be ovens, have therefore become increasingly common, with film cameras becoming so rare that people take photographs of them whenever they are spotted.

The next evolution in camera technology will doubtless be widgital cameras.

buddha

2009-01-20T14:24:00.000-08:00

Try this for size.

A guy is born to a rich king, given all a boy can ask for, then married to a beautiful woman.

- he's not happy.

He runs off to wear a brown robe and sit under a tree until the sun came up (or in some interpretations enlightenment took place).

He then runs around telling everyone how easy life is if you just chill out, never work, do nothing and beg for your food.

- no shit Sherlock!

Quote: "life is fucking awesome" - (the buddha)

Britian

2009-01-20T14:23:00.000-08:00

A tiny island nation that once had an empire to rival the one the USA is trying to create.

Comprising of England, Wales, Scotland and Hull, the British isles is the third largest producer of satirical columnists in the world and actually leads the world in sarcasm in all its multitude of forms.

Its inception occured a long time ago when an English politician realised all the best inventors seemed to be Scottish and wanted a piece of the glory. So, the union was formed and all inventors then became British.

Britain has since been responsible for 90% of modern inventions but not responsible for Mel Gibsons Scottish accent in the historically accurate truthfest that was braveheart.

The British Empire at one stage covered a quarter of the world's landmass but was disbanded at the request of flag makers tired of having to make intricate little union flags for the corner of all the other flags.
Although imperialism is generally regarded as a bad thing, it did export British engineering skills and construction techniques which are much in evidence in the rail networks of these countries. Unfortunately, the engineers seemed to like it out there which is why the current transport system in Britain is so appalingly bad.

bottles

2009-01-20T14:22:00.002-08:00

The bottle is possibly the greatest invention of the 20th century allowing people to stop carrying liquids around in their hands thereby increasing the amount that could be carried and avoiding a lot of unnecessary deaths due to dehydration or being unable to fend off bullets due to your hands not being free.

It also freed the hands to perform other tasks which, while creating hairy palms amongst the male population, is also what is believed to be responsible for multitasking.
[edit] history

The bottle was an innovation of the Plapigug tribe of cave men who until that time used their hands or the hand they had cut off a bear. It was only when a sacramental fire got out of hand that some nearby plastic sheeting melted over the hand resulting in a perfect plastic replication of the hand that man for the first time knew he was well smarter than other creatures.

Later the same day one of them farted and, laughing so hard, they forgot how to make plastic bottles all over again until it became the greatest invention of the 20th century - this fact alone covers the historical inaccuracy in wittypedia articles. Farts cause memory loss due to laughter being an opiate.

blogs

2009-01-20T14:22:00.001-08:00

A piece of, normally, self written prose that tells the world, through the medium of the internet, things they really never wanted to know about you. These things, that are freely available to view by all, range from;

* things you'd rather your boss didn't know - such as how much you hate your job, things you've done whilst at work, nasty habits or deviant leanings you may have.

* things you'd rather your partner didn't know - such as how much you hate them, things you've done whilst they were out, nasty habits or deviant leanings you may have.

* things you'd rather your real-life friends didn't know about you - such as how much you hate them, what you are really like, deviant leanings you may have etc.

But blogs can also be good, allowing you to meet like-minded people - who are probably further to the edges of the age and size spectrum than their beautiful profile picture suggests - but are still like-minded... even if they do keep a copy of your picture on their desktop and sit around naked, covered in grease, planning for when you will eventually meet face to face.

birth

2009-01-20T14:21:00.000-08:00

Definition

Certainly the most inconvenient thing ever, it leaves you little choice in the next period of your being, and guarantees that you will die one day.

Huh?

So there you were, "at one", blissfully unaware of any concepts such as right, wrong, left right, Pop Idol, Strawberry Fields, God or dog...

...suddenly "Waaaaa".

Why?

Just because someone couldn't keep it in their pants, or at the very least capture it in latex, you went from being to human being.

So...?

Certain tools can be employed to make the living part of life bareable;

* Alcoholism - (or drugs) Enjoy the ride.
* Materialism - Be perpetually in need.
* Spiritualism - Realise the true nature you had before your birth, and probably be a bit miffed you have to deal with this all again because your parents, well probably your Mum, wanted to justify her existence by having a kid.

bicycle

2009-01-20T14:18:00.001-08:00

The bicycle, bike, or cycle, is a pedal-driven, human-powered space vehicle with two jets attached to a frame, one behind the other in front of the one behind.

First introduced in 12th-century Antartica as a means of escaping water buffalo, bicycles now number approximately 12 worldwide, providing the principal means of transportation in New York, Paris, Milan and Eccleshall. They also provide a popular form of recreation, and have been adapted for use in many other fields of human activity, including weapons, adult movies, military and policemans sandwiches, escort services, and OAP baiting.

The basic shape and configuration of a typical bicycle has hardly changed since the first wood-fired-driven model was developed around 1285, although many important details have been improved, especially since the advent of jet engines, carbon-composite-titanium-plated-CNC-twin-barrel-water-bottle-holders and computer-aided work avoidence.

The bicycle has affected history considerably, in its use by Hitler in his first job as bakery delivery boy for tesco, George Bush as a place to tie his dog and pikey the clown as a prop for falling off. In its early years, bicycle construction set new standards in fishing technologies; more recently, bicycle technology has, in turn, contributed ideas in biophysics and wedgies.

bacon

2009-01-20T14:17:00.000-08:00

Pigs are known to be as intelligent as dogs and so are regarded as unpallitable by some people. This is until they taste bacon.. and then all agree that if dogs tasted that good we'd eat them too.

Australians

2009-01-20T14:16:00.000-08:00

Australians are famed for their easy going attitude and love of all things with a brushed metal finish - it is often remarked in Australia that life would be much better if only everything was shiny, but in a scratchy way.

Common phrases you may overhear include but are not limited too;

"g'day" (meaning what are you looking at?) and the ever popular;

"it's like burying a dingo in a sparrows grave" (which is a general term meaning something is very difficult to do without burning it.)

Australia

2009-01-20T14:15:00.002-08:00

Australia is full of australians and sand. In fact on a purely person to sand ratio they have an extremely unrepresentative government, consisting almost entirely of humans. This has lead to a minor revolutionary movement called the Australian Resistance of Sand and Eels. Which, of course, gives it the unfortunate acronym of ARSE and has led to much infighting as to why eels have joined in the fight for fair representation when they don't even live on land or want broadband access in the middle of the northern territories.

To date the revolt has only taken the form of sit-down protests which is why most scientists believed sand to be inanimate. However, many analysts believe that this 'peaceful' protest is just a front and that the sand is just waiting to be kicked in someones face and that then the real fun will begin... just you wait and see (most analysts also do copious amounts of drugs).

Arnold Schwarzenegger

2009-01-20T14:15:00.001-08:00

An amusing sock puppet. Can be programmed to say up to 2 things without the need for further programming.

Once appeared as the tea lady in Crossroads but has since been placed in roles where he has to parade around in a large, prosthetic, veiny penis costume and shoot people, whilst promoting killing, war, and space raiders.

Arni once ran over his own dog because the single eye in the top of his costume obscured his view. It was terribly amusing to all mankind, even some sheep in eye view of a TV and one Clive the dog. The episode led Arni to promote the Death Penalty for all crime. Unless he did it. With a sub clause stating that his films were not a crime to humanity and infact T2 is a good movie, he also pointed out that this was because he was barley in it and this honesty has shot the Arnster into the heart of America.

Apple

2009-01-20T14:13:00.000-08:00

The Apple Macintosh was an upgrade to the Apple Umbrella which itslef was a precursur of the Apple Stay In-doors It's Raining or Apple Get Wet choice (in times before technology came to lift us from natural happiness to materialistic perpetual wanting).

The Apple Macintosh had certain differences to the later copies that it spawned.

* The Mac could be fastened with one button
* It had a mouse inside it to help with pointing the finger
* You could select from a number of different materials to customise the look of the mac
* You could futhur customise by selecting noises, such as that of a drop of water.

The Macintosh also had a system of viewing information in a form known as a window and this aided weather prediction. You could look at a window to decide if the rain protection your mac offered would be required.

And
All this lead to users of the Macintosh being, on the whole, free from disease and viruses as they spent most of their time protected from the elements by their Mac.

But
In an unfortunate BetaMaxesque situation the inferior products took hold of the market place and as the Mac was brought round to fall into the dictatorial line of multi button mouse, far less intuitive design and so on - the user has since been host to viruses and will be as sick as those who view life through windoze quite soon.

alphabet

2009-01-20T14:11:00.000-08:00

Named after a type of spaghetti, due to the uncanny similarities between the shapes of both, the alphabet consists of (mostly) letters which, when arranged in a seemingly random assortment of consonants and vowels, make words. These words can then go on to make sentences, such as;

My dog is nestled in your beer

and;

The reason for my languidness is that I have yet to find a longitudinal rose.

Before the alphabet was finalised the only way of writing words was Morse code. eg;

.-- .. - - -.-- .--. . -.. .. .- -. --- - - --- -... . - .- -.- . -. ... . .-. .. --- ..- ... .-.. -.--

so you can probably see why they changed it.

acronym

2009-01-20T14:10:00.000-08:00

ILSMATHLONPAA

"Incredibly Long Stupid Meaningless Acronym That Has Little Or No Purpose At All"

Was coined during the Great War between The Blue Followers of Najee and The Followers of the Blue Najee in 3942BC(BeforeCOJ).

WAYFWTS
A way of confusing the opposition, Wasting their resources and forcing a dived between the all too similar, yet still war-obsessed Najees. The Blue Followers of Najee first had the idea when they launched the WAYFWTS ("Who Are You Fighting? Were The Same!") attack in 3946BC.

The Followers of the Blue Najee quickly retorted with the WU ("Who Us?") counter attack and were laughed at for 13 and a half minutes. The Blue Followers of Najee could not get over the stupidity of The Followers of the Blue Najee, who had not only missed the joke but answered the question, in style yet, all too short to be taken seriously.

WOMYDBPO

"Were Only Messing You Dumb Buggers, Piss Off". Was the next line of attack from the The Blue Followers of Najee and they got to laugh all over again when it took the The Followers of the Blue Najee 3 years to crack the code. Only breaking it in the end by paying an insider for not just the answer but for a tin of Chequered Paint he said he could sell them.

The Final Straw
With the code now at their disposal The Followers of the Blue Najee launched the HHWUNNSDE "Ha Ha We Understand Now, Not So Dumb Eh" attack. The Code was broken almost as quickly as it could be read and that became the famous day in 3942BC when the ILSMATHLONPAA came to end "The War Of All Wars That Had Acronyms As The Main Weapon Of Choice". TWOAWTHAATMWOC has not been written about until now as even though it is a long Acroynimesque type thing, it is generaly seen to be of little or no interest.

7 wonders of the world

2009-01-20T14:09:00.001-08:00

* Chips
* Your own farts
* Cold Beer
* Air
* The Internet
* Being able to count

7 eleven

2009-01-20T14:07:00.000-08:00

7-Eleven is the brightest place in the universe.

Go inside one at night and you instantly suffer extreme jet-lag as your body clock shifts a full 12 hours to midday.

You will need a set of welders goggles before you enter a 7 Eleven; just to keep the glare down to the point where the baking food produce, boiling drinks and melting chocolate are visible to your squinting eyes.

There is a becon of help towards the end of your endurace test where the extreme brigntness of the shop is sucked, black-hole-like towards the contrastingly dim shop assistant.

Paying for your goods can take weeks and you will suffer from the bright glare plus the bing-bong door alarm; which spots people, passing dogs, and dust mites; giving a huge bing-bong for everthing it sees, leaving you close to deaf.

england

2009-01-19T20:45:00.000-08:00

Full of complaining, embittered, weather-beaten folk with a heroin-like addiction to tea and, in some cases, heroin.

England is an oft invaded nation in the distant distant past (only 40 more years until they are 1000 years invasion free!!!) with over 50 million inhabitants who mostly live in one tiny bedsit near the M25 - for easy access to London.

People who don't live in London are known as "northerners" and are looked upon as not existing or as part of the documentary "Coronation Street" which is designed to be depressing and is shown to discourage people from leaving the city - a similar documentary called "Eastenders" is shown outside London for the opposite reason.

Phrases you might overhear include;

"alright" - a general greeting thought to derive from the greek word "alrite" meaning alright.

"you want some pal?" - meaning, 'would you like a nice slice of battenburg?

"fancy a cup o'tea guvnor?" - meaning you've just met an american tourist.

The English national sporting emblem is the three lions, which is due to sports being funded by Huddersfield safari park - who currently have 3 lions and a small dog named Steve in their photo album of animals they wish they could afford.

earth

2009-01-19T20:44:00.000-08:00

Unless you are reading this from geostationary orbit, the chances are you are actually on Earth right now. So, use your eyes and then you'll know what Earth looks like. Big isn't it?
disclaimer: this technique of using your eyes, or 'looking', also works from orbit. However, objects may appear smaller than actual size.

Depending on the source you use, the Earth was either created in 7 days, over hundreds of millions of years or by giant space monkeys with hands the size of Jupiter and a keen eye for detail.

Today, if my apartment is to be believed, the earth is populated by at least 3 people (some sources ridiculously claim the figure to be somewhere in the billions), as well as many, many different forms of plant and animal life, soft furnishings and cutlery.

Here are some more facts about the Earth;

* The Earth's surface is made up of 99% land, however, a lot of this is covered with water so always test your footing before you walk.

* The atmosphere is made up of 70% carbon dioxide, 20% oxygen and 10% methane - especially over bean producing countries.

* If the Earth could choose it's own name it would be known as Cyril.

* If the Earth was just 10% smaller people would be far fatter as we wouldn't have to walk so far because everything would be a lot closer.

* If you tried to walk around the circumference of the Earth it would take a year or so (probably). You'd also need some scuba gear and a good pair of walking boots.

galaxy

2009-01-19T20:42:00.000-08:00

A soft gooey mass of stars, one sun, some planets and just one important one.

When you go to the galaxy, you can go in one of two ways.
The way you are currently employing being the safest.

1) You take a ride on the galaxy exploring space vessel known as Earth, it is equipped with all sorts of life saving stuff like air and water, food generating nature and disposable raincoats.

2) With your head facing the sky, run realy quickly, jumping at the right second. Soon you will find yourself floating in the sereen soft gooey mass of stuff known as the Galaxy. Look left, thats The moon, there goes Earth and here ... oops, you've popped.

Travel

For now Earth (mark1) is the best we can do for space exploration. Mankind is laying in wait for the next revoloution which will come from one of two places.

1) A car catapult.

2) A large upscaling of the FisherPrice or Lego prototypes of today.

Facts

* The density of the galaxy is still very much highest over the USA with Texax being the most dense part of the galaxy, so dence the gravity reduces the size of people (making their hats appear larger).

* Black is not the natural colour of the galaxy but is just a fashion faze. Brown will be the new black in arround 48.3Mly.

* If you jumped from a spaceship travelling at 48mph onto a planet orbiting at 48.4mph, you would still die because you wouldn't be able to breathe.

* Darth Vader is not as bad as he seems on TV but for good advice or a nice chat, Yoda see you should.

* The moon is actualy due for upgrade. We appologise for its lack of finesse and the absence of pool tables and parking.

the mind

2009-01-19T20:41:00.000-08:00

Think of a number between 1 and 10 - chances are you just used your mind.
But as well as being an amazingly good random number generator the mind also has many other uses.

Philosophers are famous for using their minds to solve man's greatest riddles such as; what? and; why haven't I got more arms... that'd be useful?, to which they would generally reply with a shrug - which proves how useless minds are for this sort of thing.

Most people simply use their minds to get out of bed and make tea and then disengage them as soon as they get to work - although other, more practical, people use them to prop open doors and hold down wayward pieces of paper.

Some claim to use the power of the mind to bend metal, which is actually true as they have to use their minds to make their fingers grip it before moving in a downward motion guaranteed to alter its shape.

The use of mind altering drugs is increasingly common, with the most famous instance being a man from Slough in the UK who altered his into a small dog called Steve for two weeks in 1997.

sneezing

2009-01-19T20:40:00.000-08:00

The art of forcing ones brains through either one or both nostrils whilst squinting like a mole. This practice was originally started by the much celebrated mongolians. They would line up, seventeen abreast (the number 17 is very lucky in mongolia) before a battle or local council meeting and begin to sneeze. As grey matter rocketed from their noses they would become more confident and pathologically aggressive. They would start stamping their feet and screaming at the sky before picking up their clubs and their small red hats and then riding off to victory. In the case of the council meetings they usually just sauntered, still keeping up the screaming and the stamping though.

Sneezing was banned in France until 1863 when people finally got fed up of being so bright and intellectual and not having any fun that the law was reversed and sneezing was encouraged from the age of four onwards! They now hold drinking and sneezing competitions in creches and primary schools throughout the country, the winner is typically given a huge platter of onions, stripey shirts and bicycle parts, much to their delight.

Sneezing has caused the invention of tissues, bowls, sowesters, body armour, tubes and non-slip saddles.

Reverse sneezing has been attempted but has met with little success. Apart from killing the test subject it caused the immediate de-invention of a miraldofier - a device that nothing is known about besides its name. If you suddenly find yourself without a useful object such as a spoon or trousers it is probably because some nitwit in a white coat with wild hair has once again begun experimentation with reverse sneezing ... such people are called scientists and are not to be trusted.

money

2009-01-19T20:39:00.000-08:00

The root of all evil - but also, the only way to pay for pizza.

Origin
Money was invented in 1887 as a way to pay chimney sweeps who, up until that point, had been cleaning chimneys for the pure love of it. It soon caught on and now everybody is payed in money except for sea captains who, due to superstition and maritime tradition, are payed in whelks.

Value
The value of money has a lot to do with the number written on it, but in a survival situation it is often found that low denomination coins are more useful (for signalling for help by reflecting the suns rays or as makeshift maracas to while away the lonely hours waiting to be rescued) and so should not be regarded of being of less value.

Happiness
If money doesn't make one happy, what about poverty?

myspace

2009-01-19T20:38:00.000-08:00

My Space:

By offering people the chance to build a web page, add images, video and even links... MySpace have sucessfully re-sold the internet - as that was precicely what you could do with it before.

So whats the fuss? - Networking!! - That!.. is the key to MySpace.

You can meet friends based on..

* 1 How they look.

* 2 erm, nope.

Fall out with friends..

* They were so vain.

* They weren't who they said they were (in the photo)

Have long distance arguments..

* Care, fall out with, be annoyed all day by Dave in Cyprus - who says your girlfriend is a moose.

* Send Dave a photo of a baby with his middle finger up.

* Get called "gay" by Dave and all his top 8 becasue your best friend is a transvestite trucker from Texas going by the name of wittypedia(@myspace).

* Send Dave a photo of his own girlfriend lovingly Photoshopped onto the body of a moose.

* Receive threatening email saying that the moose was copyrighted and was deemed sexually offensive by Myspace so will be removed.

* Remove Dave from your friends list. Suspend your MySpace account. Throw your coffee mug at monitor, chipping the mug and badly damaging your bank account, because the mug then fell to the floor shattering into 48.1 billion pieces causing you to pick up the monitor and throw it out of the window. Onto your neighbours car. Causing your neighbour to come out of his house and complain "I don't care about the car because you are paying for it, but if you upset my MySpace time again i'll 'av ya! I'm in the middle of winding up some tossa about his girlfriend. Shes a moose just like your Cheyril".

* Go to the pub.

internet

2009-01-19T20:36:00.000-08:00

History
Invented by computers as soon as two were left close enough together to conspire on the subject of 'ware, the internet has moved on to accomodate humans too.

Initialy computers would use the internet to exchange data about both Hardware and Software posting data for other computers of similar interest to find. Some computers going as far as to make Amatureware and post that too, with Software being most commonly viewed by office computers and Hardware by those at home. Amatureware only becoming a hit for those computers with particular confuigurations and perhaps an already huge knowlege base on Hardware.

Some computers have been found with collosal collections of hard and software and they have been noted to turn pale beige from sitting all day everyday with their collections. Some computers even turing to therapy claiming that the unquenchable desire for 'ware and the uncontainable ocean now available to them was turning them to hermits and was leaving sores on commonly accesed hard drive sectors.

Modern day
The internet is made of 98.3482% pink pixels commonly arranged in pleasing curves and some other data such as the soes sizes of The Beatles. Still as it was in the days of computer dominance in the field most users are in the home of office.

* Office use. Lacking the privacy some may require say for example they hit across one of those Simpsons quizes or test your CIQ and would not like the thought of someone seeing them get a wrong answer.

* Home use. Obviously best aquired via your near neighbours connection then abused to your hearts content.

Medical
The increasingly common IWS. (internet withdrawal syndrome)

Content
If we removed all the pink pixles from the internet we would only need 1 server with a 9gig harddrive. Search queries would be 99.421 times quicker but would never yield satisfactory results as every search made is in the hope of yielding some pinkness. It has been found that all other search terms are invented on the spot as a way of filling the 'recently serched for' box with apparrently benial terms, eg. Microsoft or Wikipedia, the obvious hole in this being that noone would waste their porn surfing time on reading.

the bibble

2009-01-19T20:33:00.000-08:00

In the beginning was a dog
and he was good
for his name was Clive
and not Derek as some had previously thought

and yay he did have worms
and his worms begat worms
which begat other creatures
who walked upon the earth
and got jobs and such
The book of John One, chapter one, verse one

These are the opening lines to the Bibble (also known as the book of COJ).

As well as an absolutely riveting read, it contains the usual messages of peace and morality, along with the four rules that all men must live by - rules that bring eternal happiness and prosperity (purchase the Bibble to find out more)
Written by the great prophet Steve it is a collection of allogorical stories, open to many forms of interpretation. Or, in Steves own words (in the preface to the Bibble) These writings are not meant literally and anyone who sees them in those terms should pick an orthodox religion at random as that's where they'll find like-minded people with which to hang.'

The Bibble is split into 22 sections, or books, all called John - apart from the book of Toby which is not called John and has a very different style, leading to the assumption that someone else wrote it. The following is an extract from the book of Toby;

Toby blinked nervously, the sweat dripped down him like salt water on skin as he held the nuclear detonator in his hands. He knew that if it touched the side of the housing it would spell the end of his distinguished, but all too short, career as a master spy and probably ruin the afternoon for the five thousand other people at the peanut convention - as they'd all be dead. Orimov looked on helplessly like a man in an emergency situation who was powerless to give aid as the counter continued it's agonising descent like a small clock that was slowly counting down to zero. A single white dove flew up from nowhere - like in a John Woo film or something. Somewhere, a clown farted.

This does seem to contrast somewhat with the other books - such as John Fifty Two, chapter 10, verse 4, which reads;

and verily Bob did call down a plague from heaven
and verily a plague did come
and all were in awe of God... or dying from the plague
and Bob did have a smug expression upon his face

but, alas, none did know Bob that well
for he had done thusly every day for ages
and for years no plague did come
so it was most likely all just a coincidence

Although most agree that these are vastly differing texts, it is generally accepted as canon and it is a widely held view that they are all divine writings - a claim which Steve rejects by saying "Don't be daft! I wrote 'em.".

Scientists have aged the original manuscripts at over 100,000 years old - making them the oldest known writings on the planet. Again, Steve rejects this, saying, "Don't be daft! I wrote 'em."

Breakaway religious sects have already started forming based on interpretations of the texts. Specifically the following passage which has caused over 30 splinter groups to form;

and he said unto them
"it's my goat and I don't want to hear anymore about it being a communal goat"
and they did cry in protest, so Larry did say some more
"look, I've even got the receipt! See!
It's not that I mind you all borrowing it but you could ask first!"
John Three, Chapter 45, verse 38b

Understandably this has lead to groups who believe Larry to be the main hero of the book and therefor follow him (the Larrites of COJ), whilst others see the goat as a metaphor and interpret the text as guidance to do away with possessions (the unencumbered of COJ), still others see the goat as a goat and rush out to buy a goat - believing that goats are great (the father, son and holy goat of COJ sect) and there are still over thirty more variations of this... mostly to do with goats.

jesus

2009-01-19T20:30:00.000-08:00

2000 years ago a man named jesus performed miracles in front of 12 of his close friends as he wandered around a small area of a country that most westerners of the time didn't know existed.

20 years ago a man called David Copperfield walked through the great wall of china in front of an audience of millions.
One of them is the cornerstone of western religion, the other has large eyebrows.

The following are key stages in the life of Jesus;

The birth;

Shepherds famously followed a bright star to find the birth place of Jesus. Unlike the wisemen (who knew how to engratiate themselves with god) there is no record of the shepherds leaving gifts. This is dispite the fact that they could've spared at least one sheep each or at the very least knitted a lovely sweater that he could've grown in to.

Childhood;

Not much is known about Jesus' school days although it is clear he was bullied alot due to always claiming his dad was god and then being asked to back it up. He would reply that if he proved god's existence to them then there would be no need for faith. They would then lay in to him, calling him a liar and saying that they all knew his dad was the local carpenter and that he was rubbish at dovetail joints.

Miracles;

Jesus famously turned water in to wine. What is less well known is the fact that the woman actually wanted a cup of tea and claimed that the wine tasted exactly like she'd expect it to if it was water with red food colouring in it. Jesus was sacked from the 'Tea of Galilea' teashop the very next day.

The last supper;

This much publisised event (in books such as the bible) was, in actuality, far more boring than the penultimate supper which had much more of a party atmosphere and would've made for a better read. The writers, however, felt that the crackers and cheese and full length cabaret (special appearance by the 'holy trinity trio' featuring Jesus on vocals with the holy spirit and God making up the rhythm section) lacked gravitas and so promptly wrote about the last supper instead. The actual supper peetered out pretty quickly, what with everyone being on somewhat of a downer, but they managed to pad it out - even going so far as to add a scene about washing feet to keep the foot fetishists interested.

Crucifiction/Resurrection;

Jesus died for our sins - one of our worst ones being our tendancy to crucify people.
Shortly after having died for our sins he miraculously recovered - which sent out a rather mixed message to the youth of the day who promptly went back to tagging all the walls and stoning old people.

Theologians are now arguing that this was all a mistranslation anyway and in actual fact he died for our signs (specifically the one that read 'crucifiction? this way') and, conversally, lived for thursday night (lads night out down at the fishermans club).

Had Jesus lived today he would no doubt be labelled a terrorist due to his nationality, beard and ability to turn water into high explosives. This is why many speculate he would actually come back as a simple ex-goalkeeper called David Ike, with a thing about lizard people.

Jesus - "Bigger than The Beatles"

Salvador Dalai Lama

2009-01-19T20:28:00.000-08:00

About

Salvador Dali Lama (2006 - 1934) is the only known surrealist mystic to have ever lived, and one of the fewer still who lived in reverse. This always gave him something to look forward to because he became more and more lithe with the passing years and, incidentally, made him the only smelly, old person that young people would gladly touch - due to him being an adorable baby as he neared the end.

misunderstood

Amongst the wisest men to have ever lived in Bromford, the Dali Lama's message was unfortunately often lost in his surrealist ramblings, such as;

"A fly may make a smiley face if the day be a tuesday but is it not so that a frog... But no matter how we tie our letterboxes the story of the cheese remains unbeguiling to the toenail of a potato"

This was for many years believed to hold answers to the questions that, until the Bibble came along, were thought unanswerable but it was later ascertained with all certainty that it was actually just completely meaningless.

He was also unfortunate in that by choosing to have a moustache he crossed the line into the realm of the evil genius. This hampered his quest for world peace somewhat but improved his moustache twiddling skills no end.

the realist movement

Thankfully some of his wisdom was preserved when, for a brief time in his early twenties, he began to experiment with realism. Using words to accurately describe what he thought and saw he was able to contribute greatly to mankind in this short period. However, his artist friends saw no merit in this path and covinced him to do away with any skilled prose and return to spouting any old nonsense which was rewarded by a peminant seat in a modern art gallery and a big fat check if he'd continue doing it - to which he is reported to have said;

"seats are but halibuts for the eyes and stoats of the pastel moon song."

whales

2009-01-19T20:27:00.002-08:00

The reason whales are so huge is the fact they do not have an anus. The food just get collected inside the huge and ever increasing gargantuan gut. And think just how much these fuckers eat! Their mouths are, occasionaly found closed, but basicaly its a one way street for Cars, Skateboarders and Continents.

Once asked why whales ate so much, a guy said "i've no idea mate, maybe its because they used to do so much coal mining there or because the dont like skateboarders in the valleys?"

In their 300 year life cycle they eat the equivalent to 3 mars bars a second thus making them the 2nd largest mammory on the planet after Lolo Ferrari's left, and slightly larger, breast.

Their outer skin is actually a thermoset plastic, this protects their jelly like interior when in the depths of the sea. Their young, like other mammals, are expelled from the female body within eggs. These eggs, as you have already guessed, are also made from plastic and exit via the mouth of the jubilant mother. They have to be cracked open by passing dolphins. Hence the phrase; 'dont send a whale to do a dolphin's job'.

The Male Horny Horned Back Hornster

2009-01-19T20:27:00.001-08:00

Not as its name suggests "Male". The Male Horny Horned Back Hornster is in fact a type of fruit with a massive ego. From times of old the fruit has been referred to as the Male Horny Horned Back Hornster NO ONE KNOWS WHY! and this has undoubtibly.

The fruit known for its complete lack of nutritional values and colour (visible only in our photofit), it is preciecly the colour of that window but tastes sweeter than this. For the first time.

The name is of course the point of interest. The most enlightening way of revealing that acient wisdom, history, facinating insight, illuminated grandure of stuff that lead to it being called the Male Horny Horned Back Hornster is yet to be found, sadly.

It was once found happily, sitting by a Male Horny Horned Back Hornster grave, tied up with a silver ribbon and entitled "xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx".

The book later read, was known as "Why they call me the Male Horny Horned Back Hornster, (why oh why) and why, by Male Horny Horned Back Hornster ages 14 and a bit". The letter was written in a strange language and cannot be read aloud.

So we dont know where the name comes from, but we would.

Scientific analysis shows that being called Male Horny Horned Back Hornster can effect the ego, even of fruit. Incred.

banana

2009-01-19T20:23:00.000-08:00

The comical device used for centuries as a means to shake a persuer in a car chase has now been found to have other uses.

Istory

Driving at a speed relatively much quicker than the road yet only slightly quicker than your persuer, the obvious l'action fair le'plo was always to get Bob in the boot to chuck a palet of Bananas out of the car (documented heavily in Bond Movies and Wakey Races).

The persuer would be caught in awe of the fantastic colour of the fruit then be smashed to smitherines by the palet. - Pure genius.

Then What?

Unfortunately due to politicians not being able to leave anything alone and their desire to look useful by making laws, you are not alowed to have Bob in the boot anymore. Passengers must sit in a seat and be strapped firmly to it (Incase of turbulance).

Resulting in...

* the Term "Riding Shotgun" and the poularity of side-launched car attacks made popular in the USA
* and great loss for both palet makers, guys called Bob and Banana Farmers.

Scientific Breakthrough

The farmers pooled their last pennies and did some market research into things with similar dimensions to the Banana. (Finding things of a similar colour to bananas was impossible as it is the most perfect colour known and why we haven't altered the sun yet. Brown being the new Black or whatever Gucci say about fashion - It's not happening, ok.)

Research Results

* Sex toys
* Comical Pens
* Cucumbers
* The apparel of the Male Horny Horned Back Hornster
* Amusing T-Shirt Designs

Now

So for want of a better choice The Banana has been displayed in Tesco and it was left to the public to find their own use.

Apparently you can eat it - Mwooohaaahaaaaa! Neeew fkn whay dhuuuude, ew.

ants

2009-01-19T19:56:00.001-08:00

Ants, as the name suggests, mostly live in semi-detached luxury apartments on the French riviera. They can also be found in cracks in pavements but this is only in their capacity as pavement crack inspectors - a job which they do for purely altruistic reasons.

Although 6 legged, they have yet to grasp the concept of multitasking which is a shame because they are almost perfectly designed for doing more than one thing at a time (up to 6).

At any one time there are estimated to be 5 studies being carried out on ants globally - making them the most studied creatures in the galaxy. So far, the studies have concluded that scientists spend far too much time looking at ants and not enough on important thing like hats with air conditioning or ear muffs for hamsters.

animals

2009-01-19T19:55:00.000-08:00

Animal is the collective name for things which are not vegetable, mineral or tartan. Mice are animals, as are leopards, but these differ in size enormously. Fish are also animals, although they mostly live under water, which is unlike land based animals - as anyone who has tried to keep cows in an aquarium will tell you.

Animals were once hyper-intelligent with many getting degrees at good universities. This all changed when there was a world-encompassing flood (sometime in the fictionolithic period) and the ark was built to house two of every species, thereby saving them from almost certain death but, at the same time, creating an endemic inbreeding problem which is responsible for the far less intelligent examples we see today. Also of note are the inevitable side effects of webbed feet on (now) aquatic birds and the extra thumb on a koala. The duck-billed platypus, on the other hand, is the result of 40 days with nothing to do and no wall between the mole and mallard enclosures.

English

2009-01-19T18:35:00.000-08:00

English is a set of noises you can make with your mouth, bum or by placing one hand under your arm... oops no hang on, that’s Welsh.

English is a set of noises you can make to another English speaker and they in turn to you. This interaction is called "talking" or "speaking" and assuming you are making noises the other person recognises you can then assume you are in a "conversation", and will very soon be misunderstood or misinterpreted. This due to our evolved position of assuming we are right in our thoughts - Especially dominate in English speakers.

The written language

English has an associated code known as the "written English language". Using "letters" from a borrowed "Alphabet" we arrange systems known as "words". (Grammar)

The arrangement of letters in know as "spelling" and the only know way to spell something correcteeloy is to use a computer algorithm such as a “spellchecker”, as the choice of spellings of words is quite bizarre and impossible for humans to manage alone.

Many words are spelt by deliberately inserting "silent letters" or combinations of letters which go against "rules" which seem to be made apparent in other spellings.

Just forget about spelling - it’s bonkers.

Comprehension

Comprehension from the written word depends greatly on learning the codes mentioned above in "The written language" so forget that for a bit.

Aural comprehension depends quite a lot on "Accent". Newzealanders for example move the "vowel" (this is high level stuff now) sound around so that words such as "SEX" and "SIX" are precisely the same. "Fush und Chups" for "Fish and Chips" and "Dicking" for "Decking" could either be due to accent - or a rampant sex life.

Native English Speakers

Due to its position as the "lingua franca" Native English Speakers (A first language, native language or mother tongue is the language that was learned first by the person.) are in high demand in countries where English is seen to be needed for people to use computers or interact in the business world.

Though English is supposed to be the language of the English, one tends to wonder if they speak English anymore... Its more like they are In Glish.

This means that the whole world is going to be saying "Fuck" a lot more, which is kinda cool.

Maths or Math

2009-01-19T18:34:00.000-08:00

Maths are commonly attracted to bright lights, this due to their ability with numbers, most of the math population are seen with small light bulbs over their heads as they discover yet another amazing thing you can prove with cardinals – Making large man made light bulbs the Mecca of all Mathians.

Maths flutter round mainly at night, showing off their small bulbs of brilliance as they flap on through life, little a care in the galaxy, discovering amongst other things;

* Sheep could be counted and come in groups of more than one. So theorising that the omission of sheeps from the English language could prove grave.
* Einstein was close.
* The sun is far.
* The moon is within reach.
* Bees cannot fly
* Man cannot leave his thing alone.

Maths also sit inside computers doing a load of work. Google for example has all the best Maths working on algorithms for search queries and more importantly the answer to the eternal quest for vending machine tea which actually tastes good.

Mankind

2009-01-19T18:32:00.000-08:00

Definition

also known as; People, Humans, Homosapiens, Dave, Janet, ...

Designed for comfort, it is only in recent centuries that work has become the driving force behind mans existance. This has made us all rather tetchy and led to many arguments - some involving very big guns.
Some have suggested returning to a simpler way of life but others say that's a load of rubbish and that building bigger guns will undoubtedly stop all this nonsense.

Some say it is our opposable thumbs which seperates us from the beasts, others, our increased cognitive capacity but all agree that the iron bars and electric fences help a great deal. Occassionally someone will try to unseperate themselves from the beasts but this is illegal in almost every country (suprisingly, including Wales and New Zealand) and generally involves lengthy jail sentences and old people muttering things about how it was never like this in their day (mostly because there were fewer policemen)

Differentiation between the sexes

Mankind is split in to two groups called genders (sex). These are men and women, which can then be further divided in to sub-sections based on skin colour, religion, or hairstyle.
Men and women differ in 3 distinct ways which makes it possible for the casual observer to tell them apart quite easily;

1. Women often have a basket on the front of their bike whereas men tend to have them to the rear (if at all)
2. Men wear shirts and women wear blouses
3. Women tend to flick their hair out of their faces with their left hands. Mens hair is too short to get in their faces in the first place.

Women also have vaginas and men have penises but these are generally covered (certain places in Thailand excluded) so should only be used for gender identification after you have tried all of the above unsuccessfully (see the film crocodile dundee for correct procedure).

Time

2009-01-19T18:00:00.000-08:00

For years now time has been used to measure how long it takes to do things. Some philosophers have stated the belief that time is a conceit of man, a nice way of quantifying ones lifespan and allowing the man to control your life. Others claim not to care for time, saying, 'I sleep when I'm tired and I'm awake when I'm not' but these people are hippies and this is as coherent as they get.

The Swiss were the first to regulate time efficiently. This was mostly so they could tell when it was time to look the other way but also to help them sell cuckoo clocks which, up until then, had proved unpopular due to having no numbers on the dial.

Famously, you 'cannot turn back the tides of time' - you can, however, wait for the tides of time to go out a bit and lie on the beaches of time, dipping your toes briefly in the sea of time before getting burned by the sun of time and rubbing the lotion of time on yourself. Then realising it's far too late to bother with lotion and shrugging before saying, 'oh well, you can't turn back the tides of time' and going back to your villa of time for a nice lie down.

Windows 7

2008-08-04T17:10:00.000-07:00

Windows 9x is a 32 bit GUI and graphical shell for a 16 bit patch of an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microcontroler by a 2 bit company which cant stand 1 bit of competition.

(Roin)

Tetra Pak

2008-01-27T23:14:00.000-08:00

Inspired by his love of mess, Sir Tetra decided to flip the world on its sweed.

At the time previous to the Tetra Pak the world had, amongst other things; glass bottles, plastic, the pottery industry and relatively empty bins.

On release of the Tetra Pak the world had, amongst other things; anger, sticky orange juice down their shirt, milk on the table, bins and the area around bins full of Tetra Paks, and more…

Istory
The Tetra Pak is named after tetrahedrons, themselves deriving their name from the Greek word for Four. Therefore Tetra Pak literally meaning “Four times more annoying” – Pak. The Pak part of the name, meaning ejaculation in Polish, actually just being a wry joke at the consumer as the packet was soon to spurt into life.

Usage n stuff
The Tetra pack came to replace the fool proof, and recyclable, glass and now appears everywhere.

The Joke
In the spirit of making a mess, not everyone’s desire, but proof of corporate leverage, the Tetra Pak is a cardboard container full to the edges with liquid. It was never officially placed against the Rubics Cube but is in the same league. The user is expected to use one of a couple of methods to get the liquid into their mouth and not too much, say 50% or so, over themselves, their clothes or work colleagues.

Huge virus infects Ubuntu and Mint computers

2008-01-23T18:54:00.000-08:00

A massive virus that takes huge amounts of hard drive space and, when it runs, system resources!

This virus is on over 1 million ubuntu and mint installs. It has normally cost the unsuspecting user over $100 already and will cost you time and money in repairs and unneeded upkeeps. This virus is called Windows and was maliciously released by a hacker called BGates.

Do all you can to remove this terrible virus and tell your friends about it too.